Jealousy is a defect of my character most shameful to admit. I am jealous of my peers. A lot.
At work, I experience fear when people make more money than me.
I don’t want my friends having a better time with each other than they have with me.
I don’t want my friends dating hotter women than me.
I secretly wish I was as smooth socially as some of my friends.
I wish I was taller, handsomer, more muscular, wealthier, more popular etc.
I have a hard time feeling genuinely happy for the good fortune and success of others.
I feel negatively around others, when I think that they are superior to me in some way.
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Here is how the cycle of jealousy works for me:
Jealousy comes from personal insecurity. I’m jealous because I don’t feel that I am good enough.
I think my value is determined by the things/traits that I possess. The more I have, the more worthy I am as a person.
I judge how much I have by how I rank relative to others around me.
When I notice others who have the things that I don’t have my sense of self-worth is lowered.
I fear the loss of self-worth, and I resist it.
This resistance expresses itself in jealous behaviors that I exhibit.
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This way of living isn’t working for me anymore.
As an addict, I can’t afford the luxury of harboring jealousy in my heart.
If I continue this way, I’ll be stuck with behaviors of possessiveness, and feelings of resentment, fear and hurt.
This will cause me to act out.
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Step four has the answer for me.
The big book teaches me that negative character traits stem from selfishness.
Jealousy comes from a perspective that places me and my desires at the center of my universe.
Since I think I am more important than others, I don’t want them to have more than I do, and I’m fearful and hurt if they do.
The only action I can take is to change my perspective.
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A perspective that serves me better is:
1. I accept that I do not control what people have. There will always be people around me who will have more than me. My intrinsic value is determined by god, and not by what I have.
2. I view myself as a conduit of service to others, and I want to carry out the will of the god that lives within my heart.
By realizing that life is no longer about me, but rather about seeing how I can contribute to the stream of life around me, I suddenly become interested in helping others.
I become more in tune with their needs, and I start seeking ways to contribute to them.
When I encounter my peers, rather than examining how I rank in comparison to them, I look to them with the question of how I can enrich their life.
They are no longer competing with my sense of self-worth.
My self-worth is determined by my higher power, and my higher power loves me unconditionally, and is always there for me.
***
When feelings of jealousy come up for me in the future, I can examine my responsibility in the situation, and take actions around it.
Here are some actions I can take:
I can pray to god to remove the fear and self-centeredness from my heart.
I can remind myself that life is not about me anymore.
I can accept my life exactly as it is right now in this moment, with all its haves and have nots, as god’s will. Nothing about it needs to be changed.
I can take the next right action, by helping others and seeing how I can be a contribution to their lives, regardless of their successes and failures.
This is a path that leads to recovery and sanity for me.
By Shaya S.